


Begin to Understand

by Mareel



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Drabble Sequence, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Season 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-25
Updated: 2013-03-06
Packaged: 2017-12-03 15:38:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 2,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/699843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mareel/pseuds/Mareel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” – Henry David Thoreau</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Illusion

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Smith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smith/gifts).



> This takes place a few years post Season 4, but prior to founding of the Federation. It is a series of drabbles, double-drabbles, and narratives from both Jonathan and Malcolm. It was written for Mr Smith for a Christmas exchange based on his prompts and his request for a non-established relationship story. 
> 
> Chapter notes will include ratings, prompts and POV information.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lost in a storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rated G, and is Jonathan's voice. The prompts were 'glitter' and 'frost'.

 

It looks like a winter wonderland… snow-covered hills, bare tree limbs etched with the glitter of ice, a few last berries wholly encased. 

The beauty is a brittle illusion. Somewhere out here, Malcolm is lost. I found his pack – and his communicator – a few kilometers from our makeshift camp. It’s hard to do much of a search… on foot, with limited visibility and blowing snow. 

He was trying to locate a small settlement he’d glimpsed as I steered our crippled shuttlecraft to a rough emergency landing. He was determined to go for help, assuring me he would be fine.

 _Fine_ …

 


	2. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Looking for clues... and hoping he's safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rated PG and is Jonathan's voice.

 

_“Think, Jon!”_

I repeat this to myself almost as a mantra as I evaluate the situation. I shouldn’t have to make such a conscious effort… survival training was a key part of Starfleet’s program for anyone hoping for assignments to warp-capable starships. 

From the Australian outback and Brazilian rainforest to winter in the Alaskan arctic, we were trained and pushed and ultimately tested on our ability to survive, solo and in teams, under the harshest conditions. One arctic survival scenario involved a simulated crash there en route to a tropical mission. 

Current circumstances bear some resemblance to that exercise. Accompanied by my tactical officer, I piloted a shuttlecraft to this remote planet on a reconnaissance mission. We had covert intelligence indicating that a small group of Terra Prime activists… the polite term for terrorists… had holed up here. That highly xenophobic organization was discredited and disbanded several years ago, but this isn’t the first splinter group we’ve been tipped off about. 

We didn’t expect the extreme atmospheric disruptions that played havoc with our sensors and navigational systems, and our landing could only charitably be called rough. The comm system was down and environmental controls compromised. Repairs would require engineering components, but of the sort that we might hope to find on a planet with this level of technology. 

I should never have let Malcolm go alone to locate the small settlement he’d spotted during our low-angle descent. But the weather was clear then, although it was very cold and there had been recent snowfall. He assured me he’d be back in a few hours and would stay in touch. When I heard nothing after his first check-in, I began worrying. Malcolm is punctual to a fault, and would consider my request to stay in contact as a direct order. 

I would have gone in search of any of my crew who went missing, but I can’t deny to myself that there is an added emotional involvement here – this is Malcolm. I made my way here, on foot, through rapidly worsening weather conditions, to the coordinates of his last comm signal. And I found his pack… and his communicator… but no sign of the man. 

Gathering the scattered contents of the pack, I’m surprised that the survival items are still there – blanket, flares, emergency shovel. Only the ration bars and medkit appear to be missing. Malcolm’s phase pistol is gone as well, but he always kept that close at hand, not buried in a pack. 

The attack, if it was that, is worrisome. Of course, the pack’s contents could have been pilfered after he abandoned it, perhaps even by animals. There is no evidence to suggest that though – no shredding or even any rips in the fabric. Did he run away to escape attackers or was he taken? And, most importantly – is he safe and how can I find him? 

The abandoned communicator troubles me – why would Malcolm have cut himself off from any possible contact. One possible, and disturbing, answer is that he doesn’t want to be found, or tracked. If his attackers were Terra Prime operatives, they could easily monitor our comm signals. They might already have done just that – detecting Malcolm’s check-in signal to me and setting up an ambush. Now I can add personal guilt to what I’m feeling, that I inadvertently helped cause this situation.

The fear reemerges that he _isn’t_ safe… that I won’t find him alive. It takes all my training and all of my will to push that thought aside and concentrate on the search.

 


	3. Circles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Searching.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rated PG; it is Jonathan's voice.

 

He _has_ to be alive. There’s so much still unsaid between us. We skirt around that silence carefully, the most reticent of dancers, both of us unwilling to lead. I don’t even know if I can speak of it when I find him, not without some cue that it won’t be unwelcome. That _I_ won’t be unwelcome.

“Malcolm!” I call his name into the wind, but there’s no chance of finding him in this whiteout. With a heavy heart, I reluctantly return to the shuttlecraft to awake a break in the weather.

I wish my thoughts alone could warm him.

 


	4. Shrouded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lost, cold and alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rated G. It is Malcolm's voice. Prompts for this were 'snow' and 'snowed in'.

 

Cocooned in icy white silence, I wake abruptly, disoriented. “It’s a snow cave, Malcolm,” I tell myself, deliberately shattering the stillness. “It’s _supposed_ to be insulating.”

I can’t tell if the storm has passed, if it’s safe to leave this shelter I stumbled into last night. The settlement I was looking for seemed so close… but I’m probably lost now. 

In escaping an ambush, I had to abandon my pack… and my only way to contact Jonathan. I hope he didn’t go searching for me. 

“Oh god, what if he finds that and thinks I’m abducted… or dead?”

I shiver.

 


	5. Search

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A resourceful crew!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rated G and is Jonathan's voice.

 

I didn’t think I’d sleep, but must have drifted off for at least a few minutes because I’m startled by the insistent beep that signals an emergency communication. Out of caution, or even paranoia, I check the signal code to make sure it’s really from _Enterprise_ and not someone from a local Terra Prime cell. I searched when I returned to the shuttlecraft, finding no sign of anyone around the landing area, but Malcolm’s disappearance has me on edge.

But it is authentic, a coded message from Hoshi about how they’d been unable to contact us. Something about atmospheric interference… probably the same thing that disrupted our descent and landing. The message is brief, requesting a status update and providing an emergency frequency to try – the same one used by our distress beacons. I’d chosen not to deploy those when we landed, for fear of detection. But with Malcolm missing, the situation is grave and the risk is more than acceptable. 

My short reply summarizes our situation here and requests assistance in locating Malcolm. I’m not sure how the ship’s scanners might be able to distinguish his biosigns from those of the other humans on the planet, but maybe Hoshi and T’Pol can think of something uniquely Malcolm. 

It’s morning before I receive a reply from _Enterprise_. And when I read it, finding that it includes numbers that must be a set of coordinates, I shout my thanks out loud, despite knowing no one will hear me. Specifically, my thanks to Malcolm! I look forward to telling him that he’d engineered his own rescue.

 


	6. Decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No wish to die alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rated PG and is Malcolm's voice. The prompt was 'alone.'

 

_Alone_ … my last thought before succumbing unwillingly to sleep. The word still hums in my head, settling in my chest as I curl up tightly trying to conserve remnants of warmth.

My father spat the word at me as I left his plans behind, choosing my own path. I took it as a shield, never getting close to anyone, putting duty first. An irony, that. In another world, it’s what Stuart Reed would have applauded. 

That shield has been weakened by years on _Enterprise_ … years with Jonathan Archer waiting just beyond it. It’s time to drop it.

If I live.

 


	7. Warmth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A question, answered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rated R and is Jonathan's voice. The prompt was 'skin.'

 

“So cold… sir.”

His voice from the darkness touches every part of me, head and heart, easing the gnawing fear that I’d lost him.

I get him out of his damp clothing, noticing how his eyes widen as I strip mine off as well. Gathered in my arms, a single blanket envelops us. 

It’s not how I’d imagined our first embrace, but he fits against me as I’ve always known he would. As warmth seeps into him, an arm slips around me… his soft sigh a question. 

“Jonathan?”

“As close as you want to be, Malcolm.” 

His lips are warm.

 


	8. Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts in the afterglow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rated NC-17 (mildly so). It is a double drabble, the first from Malcolm's POV and the second from Jonathan. The prompt was 'beginning.'

 

I don’t know that Jonathan meant this to happen – this intimacy, this emotion. Perhaps his intent was only to dispel the cold that penetrated more deeply than I realized. I thought I was fine… perhaps I said as much. I don’t recall. 

All I know is he was naked, holding me more like a lover than a man wanting only to share body heat. And I responded, without conscious thought, as if he were the man who held me like this in so many dreams. 

I kissed him… his whole body replied. It’s been a long time coming, this beginning.

 

________________________________________

 

The heat between our bodies is fading, but Malcolm feels closer now than when I first wrapped him in my arms. It’s as though he’s melting against me, craving more contact than our entangled limbs can offer. 

I shiver, not with cold, as he strokes my chest and neck, his hand coming to rest against my cheek. His fingertips gently touch a wetness there, mingled sweat and tears. We’re both softening in my hand, but I’m loath to lose the connection.

Almost wordlessly, a bond was formed and sealed… sudden, but not. It’s been a long time coming, this beginning.

 


	9. Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An armoury officer's best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rated PG-13 and is Jonathan's POV. The prompt was 'weapon.'

 

Malcolm’s voice is muffled, his cheek resting on my chest as I stroke his damp hair. “How did you find me? The blizzard…“

I reach over him and retrieve his phase pistol, as close to hand as I expected he would keep it. I hope he hears the relief in my voice. “ _This_ … your prototype for an isotopic signature chip worked. Hoshi got a signal through to the shuttle with your coordinates.” 

He lifts his head, his smile very nearly a smirk. “Not the first time this weapon saved my life… But never quite that way – without firing a shot.”

 


	10. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reprise, in warmth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This section is rated R and is Jonathan's POV. The prompt was 'not nearly naked enough.'

 

_Shuttlepod Two_ never looked so inviting. The drifting snow made for a difficult return from the snow cave refuge. We both collapse the moment we get the hatch sealed, without even shedding our snow-covered outerwear. 

Malcolm rummages for a water bottle, handing it to me before drinking himself. His fingertips brush mine in passing, touching off a response that I’ll need to learn to control. But not right now. I take his hand, our fingers entwining as if they belong that way.

“Malcolm, tell me now if you don’t want this.”

His grey eyes darken, searching mine. “Did you mean it… _everything_ …?”

Setting aside the water bottle, I pull him close, nodding. “I did. And I do. We waited so long for that. Are you regretting any of it?”

By way of reply, he unzips my jacket and pushes it off my shoulders. My breath catches as his lips find the bare skin at the hollow of my throat. Tilting my head back to offer him more, I can feel his hands working at the next layer of clothing. 

His soft words vibrate against the pulse point at my neck. “No regrets, Jon… except that we seem to be overdressed.”

 


	11. Reflection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What has been, and what will be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This section is rated PG and is Jonathan's voice.

 

Safely back on _Enterprise_ , Dr. Phlox has given both of us clean bills of health, assuring Malcolm there should be no residual effects from his bout with hypothermia. But Phlox did tell me it was a good thing I arrived when I did to help warm him. By his own admission, Malcolm had already fallen asleep for several hours and had been very afraid of losing consciousness again. My stomach knots up when I think of how he might have died there.

Given that use of the transporter was deemed much too risky, we spent another half day in the disabled shuttlecraft before T’Pol determined that weather conditions looked safe enough to send the other shuttle to retrieve us. Part of that time we spent composing a report to Starfleet with our findings. 

I hadn’t noticed it when I found Malcolm’s communicator, but he’d set it to record before deliberately dropping it while making his escape. Several names were mentioned on the recording; perhaps one of them is a leader in this Terra Prime group. Apparently his two attackers were young and not well trained in hand-to-hand combat – no match for Malcolm at least. But they had boasted of more of their colleagues on the way, so he’d decided to make a run for it, knowing the snow and wind would cover his tracks. 

Starfleet has requested a Coalition military squadron be dispatched to deal with the Terra Prime operatives, since our mission was to be strictly reconnaissance. We’ll await their arrival, and Malcolm will join their team down on the planet. 

On a personal level, this concerns me, but he’d be the last to want our new relationship to have any impact on his professional duties. It’s not the first time I’ve sent him into a dangerous situation, and assuredly won’t be the last. But I make no promise not to worry about him until he’s back safely. 

I’ve invited him to join me in my quarters this evening, emphasizing that it’s his choice. I want to be sure, in warmth and light, that what happened between us is really something he wants – that it didn’t exist only in the sheltered cocoon we made for ourselves. I’ve always thought Malcolm was the uncertain one when it came to relationships… now I find myself afraid that I may have opened a door that he felt he had to walk thru out of gratitude or, worse, duty. 

I don’t want this to end so soon after we found our way to each other, but I need his reassurance tonight. And I need _him_.

 


	12. Impatience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reassurance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This section is rated PG-13 and is Malcolm's voice.

 

I hope he won’t mind that I’m early. He suggested half nine, but I don’t want to wait. My quarters feel more empty now, empty not of things but of voices, of laughter. 

His door-chime seems loud, echoing in the quiet corridor. But the smile that greets me allays my lingering concern. Before the door even slides closed, I’m pulled into Jonathan’s arms and he’s kissing me as though it’s been months instead of hours since we were together. Or as if he’d feared we would never share another kiss. 

It’s a hunger and a question… and I answer it.

 


	13. Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Endings and beginnings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This section is rated PG-13, and is told in Jonathan's voice.

 

Malcolm is sleeping peacefully in my arms… in my bed… in my life. He seemed to sense my unspoken need for reassurance tonight. In the quiet afterglow of our lovemaking, he spoke – with a candor meant for Jonathan, not the Captain – of something he realized as he shivered in that cave. ‘I didn’t want to die alone.’

I replied that none of us can predict the circumstances of our endings, but he shook his head and clarified. ‘I don’t mean physically alone. I don’t want to die as I’ve been living – alone, apart from anyone who might mean something… who _does_ mean a great deal to me.’

His words echoed my own thoughts when he said that he thought of what happened between us there as not only a beginning, but as an end to that isolation. I hadn’t thought of it in terms of dying alone… but as I told him just before he wrapped an arm possessively across my stomach and fell asleep, I don’t want to _live_ alone. 

His reply brought me a certainty, displacing any doubts that might have lingered. It makes me want to lie awake just holding him. 

‘You aren’t alone, Jonathan. I’m here.’

 


End file.
